I’ve been a witness to many a strange thing in my day; doors opening by themselves, grown men fighting over toy dolls, and even inexplicable things flying through the nighttime sky. Today however, I found myself attempting to complete a five mile run along a peaceful wooded trail when a dog trots by wearing shoes! Oh yes, “shoes” maybe they are actually booties? “Paw Protectors?” This was no froo froo #ParisHilton puppy; more like Doberman loving #MariahCarey circa 1990. That’s right this dog like every other pup that has been domesticated for thousands of years a direct descendant of the WOLFhas found itself wearing some sort of protective footwear like he just stepped outta some #OSHA training video! Why??? what would possess an owner to think a dog, a DIRECT descendant of the WOLF would need a pair of booties? Was I running through the Sahara desert? (no)Was there broken glass every ten foot on the trail?(no) Was the mud just too much? Was the owner just being extra? How does one justify pampering, babying, a dog who clearly came from a long line of hunters? Look I know the whole fur baby thing in this country is a very real thing but for the love of God!!! Booties? really? Some days I worry that it’s not the aliens that are gonna show up from a galaxy far away and do us in, nor will that whole #climatechange thing wipe us out either. Nope, it will be US and our constant need to to somehow protect everything we touch from every other thing we lay our eyes on. We have more collective audacity than Capt Picard/Jack Sparrow combined. There is a reason we are at the top of the food chain, tho after today I’m not so sure how much longer that will be the case. The thing about dogs is: “They are great levelers, there’s no nonsense with them, and they just want affection and not a pair of booties” Apologies to #DonatellaVersace
Kylie, Kylie Kylie. It seems everyone is up in arms over her success. The California kid who magically showed up around 1997 thanks to Bruce Jenner and his wife at the time Kris! She more or less grew up in front of us via Cable TV and eventually wound up home schooled for bit; but no cares about that! Lets fast forward to 2013 when she designed/created or somehow gave us some soon to be famous lipstick? Nail Poilish? sandpaper? who the hell knows ? Whats important is in the year of our Lord 2015 we found ourselves graced with: Her first scandal: “PlumperGate” or “Lipgate” soon to be followed by a cosmetics line of her VERY OWN: #KylieCosmetics That’s right: HER line of cosmetics is just that: hers dammit. While you haters sit around pontificating her earned/unearned meteoric rise to the top of the charts; #bloomberg, #forbes, has bestowed upon her a title that just like her line of cosmetics is uniquely hers!!! Forbes, a magazine thats been around for what? 102 YEARS is prob not in the habit of throwing titles around like horseshoes at your uncles lame attempt at a backyard shindig. Bloomberg Magazine, a publication that managed to outlive everyone except for #BettyWhite is also not going around throwing shade nor meaningless accolades for fun and profit I can assure you. Oh sure you can stand there with your manbun piled high or your faux #coach bag slung over your shoulder and be as judgy as you want, but DEEP down inside you know i’m right, YOU know that Kylie is self made and self aware and the queen of self promoting! It baffles me that these individuals screaming Kylie is sooo NOT worthy. Its a laughable notion that somehow in between snapping selfies on their thousand dollar iphones in raggedy gas station bathrooms they find time to enlighten us with their sad attempts at economic theory. Fact: Kylie is first and foremost a business woman. Fact: Kylie is a extremely successful business woman. Fact: Kylie is a single mom(single mom meaning unmarried for purposes of this blog) So lets review: Kylie clearly had a plan; a plan she clearly put in motion at an early age and that plan came to fruition with spectacular results. Sadly haters don’t care about any of that. Haters don’t have time for factoids. Haters can’t be bothered with reality. Kylie isn’t the first female Billionaire but she is the youngest self made one. The work that went on behind the scenes for her is hidden for a reason and thats prob for the best but that doesn’t make the work any less viable or as the kids like to say “legit”. Starting a business is never easy, sustaining a business is a never ending process of reinvention and self preservation. The whining and sniveling perpetrated by those who refuse to give credit where credit is due could and should be replaced with some good old fashioned hard work. While not everyone has great ideas nor anyway to implement them; tearing someone down because they did something you cant fathom, seems pointless. So instead of sitting round this week trying to figure out who the hell is singing behind one of those God awful furries inspired masks; send a tweet to myinvention.com or sketch out that car design that will make Elon Musk rethink that whole get us to the mars thing. Get off your ass and do something to make the world pay attn to you for once!
There are many many things one can accomplish in a mere three hours if one so chooses to do so. One could very easily drive from the Great Sate of MD ALLthe way to scenic NJ One could take the same three hours trying to commute home from Washington DC to a sleepy surburb a mere ten miles away thanks to that not quite right outdated beltway! OR one could choose to spend it quietly in a local library catching up on some much needed reading. Sadly it appears millions of us spent three grueling hours collectively watching some guy who some other guy (ok maybe there a cple of individuals who think it) claims to be the G.O.A.T. try in vain to score ONE I repeat ONE touchdown I don’t know about YOU but I expect more from my G.O.A.T.s Cut him some slack they’ll say he’s not a kid anymore, don’t sleep on the RAMS they’ll say they fended him off nicely… I’ve got two words for you: THREE HOURS!!! You know what I don’t have??? THREE HOURS of my LIFE back! For all the hype of the young buck/old dog for all the screaming they are gonna catch up to the #Steelers with ease all I got was lame commercials, a bizarre halftime show (that had not ONE but TWO petitions in circulation: one to scrap the bland appearance of #thevoice guy with only 115,000 signatures & the other to get same bland guy to play song from spongebob? One Million plus signatures!!!)If that doesn’t tell ya where poor #Kap stands (no pun intended) then you aren’t paying enough attn:( also a profound sense of loss of that’s right you guessed it THREE HOURS! Who knew the guy from #TheVoice could sing? Why kill off knight in shining armor? Why not scream out #ReaganReagan for a play? What I do know is Mr. Pearly Whites and his Top Model Wife are sitting in #Disneyland laughing at those of us who are gullible enough to wait in line for THREE HOURS just for a two minute ride…if only THAT game coulda been just as short…
There is an old Chinese proverb that says: “There are always ears on the other side of the wall” For future employees of McDonalds this will hold true more than they would like. It appears POTUS isn’t the only pro wall business minded individual hanging around. McDonalds has decided in their infinite wisdom to place a wall (barrier?) (steel slat style?) in between the kitchen area and the cashiers. This wall is of course only one part of their remodeling efforts to appeal to a more upscale clientele. Because a mass produced faux chicken nugget is clearly on the must have list of every high income earner ever? The best part of this brick by brick debacle is the franchise owners are claiming this wont help customer service!!! Because when I think of Nordstroms McDonalds somehow customer service is the first thing that comes to mind. Their other anti-wall argument is something tantamount to a “one size fits all” approach for remodels isn’t viable? This from a company that has no qualms about the infamous order by number spiel because a la carte is too much work? If one size doesn’t fit all via marketing brand/recognition some one needs to tell Honda because last I checked every dealership from here to mars looks identical from every vantage point whether you are in a Prius or traveling via Space X! THIS is because they want YOU to be able to pick out their store with a level of comfort AND ease…to say nothing of the poor badgers in upper management who will make frequent visits and NOT have to break out a GPS to figure where the fry cook station is or even feel that dreaded sense of discombobulation that could easily arise from entering a unfamiliar surrounding. So I say build the wall let upper management and every blue hair grandma from here to poughkeepsie walk in to the golden arches with a sense of relief, a sense of familiarity and marvel at the modern and ever changing walls that surround them! This wall shall be bigly & beautiful if corporate has anything to say about it and it should be! Why do you think on every American made dollar neath E. Pluribis Unum it clearly states “Bigger is Better”! Truth Justice & build that damn thing is the American way! If I don’t have to stare at the kitchen while awaiting my newly crafted Artisan Chicken sandwich I’m fine with it!
Not much bothers me, you can ask anyone I know; traffic? pffffft! Mondays? Puhleeeze! rain, sleet or SNOW? ha! bring it on! Bono pontificating about the evils of “Capitalism“? Well why should I care when a cantankerous old man who came from virtually nothing to one day having amassed a fortune of virtually One Billion dollars?(ok maybe it’s ONLY 700Million) Why should I care that a senior citizen who once cared so so much about some girl named “Gloria” that he forced us ALL to sing about her with pride and defiance like our bloody lives depended on it? Why? because its ridiculous that’s WHY! Look one one hand you have to cut the guy a break right he is after all from what is for all intents and purposes a rather hodgepodge of a mixed economy sooo maaaybe he is suffering from sort of financially driven identity crisis? Maybe he wakes up every morning flips a coin to decide if wants to be a socialist (do socialists even have coins?) or a capitalist ? Maybe he is just a rabble rouser and if he is how does one exactly rectify being only group with No. 1s in the 1980s, 1990s, 2000s and 2010s to have sold out stadiums and mattress store openings world wide? None of this equates a larger charitable master Socialist plan as far as I can see. And yet there is Grandpa Paul David screaming the equivalent of get off my grass! its MY grass ya hear me??? I mean if you are gonna lecture the FREE world on something dontcha think maybe you outta pick a topic like the dangers of bungee jumping? Texting whilst skateboarding perhaps? Buying brand new phones loaded with music ya never asked for? But sniveling about the almighty dollar when you have 700 Billion of ’em just lying round? multiple homes? all while wearing Louis “i’m so NOT capitalist” Vuitton shades ? I guess Ole Bono is just another one of those guys who really does has money to burn but just cant stand smoke!
First “they” took the optical drive out of my laptop, Then “they” took my headphone jack AND now “they” wanna give me a phone that has ZERO ports!!! That’s right you read that correctly; ZERO as in nada, zip, not EVEN one! Who do we have to thank for this groundbreaking technology? Who would be so bold as to give us such an amazing feat of advanced progress? Is it my boy #JohnLegere ? Is Blackberry jumping back into the game? NOPE its none other than #Meizu !!! OH YES MEIZU!!! A company thats only been around since 2003 While most of us were to busy trying to avoid #Sars as we walked around mindlessly listening to our #Ipods YES 2003 the year that gave birth to the rapper #BhadBhabie shall live in infamy thanks to MEIZU! After all its easy to be an #applefanboy & How hard is it to scream: “I LOVE MY SAMSUNG?” or maybe Pray that one day #Microsoft makes a phone you will wanna HOLD onto? But MEIZU is taking us to the next level as they are interactive with their fanbase via social media like a page straight outta the John Legere handbook, and with backing from #ALIBABA they are sure to crash here on our shores faster than you can say “Can you hear me now” Did I for get to mention the name of this newfangled phone? Its Called “The Zero” Oh yes its free of all those intrusive contraptions like a Sim Card Slot, a speaker grill & a charging port BUT wait there’s more!! Hold on to your digital wallets it has NO BUTTONS!!! NO BUTTONS!!! whatever will become of your precious muscle memory??? will retraining be needed? a renewal of that gym membership you stopped using one week in to January? Your hands will lean to cope Your eyes will learn to see and your brain will probably reboot if Meizu has anything to do with it. I for one cant wait!
We humans are so easily distracted! Nothing shows this more clearly than the recent #Brexit debacle. It was waaay back in 2016 that this seemingly open and shut case began with what? A 51.9% of voters (wiki/brexit) opted to to simply “opt out” of the attachment(s) to the E.U. Fast forward to earlier this week when 600 or so individuals gather at the #HouseOfCommons to deliver a crushing blow to #TheresaMay faster than you could order an #Amazondivorce decree! Talk about about a “proper” spanking? Its losses like this that gotta make the #buffalobills feel good about getting skewered by the #ravens recently? Oh sure there is plenty of talk that by 2020 it could still somehow happen. It sounds like the Man who got the ball rolling (David Cameron former PM) has no regrets per a recent interview he gave to BBC news. Alas the tut tutters will shout from the rooftops and the votes will continue to pour in with both sides lamenting any post Brexit finality. All this from a Kingdom that’s been around since the 1700’s where “much ado about nothing” is starting to sound a tad more like a modern day meme as opposed to wonderful snippet from a play(apologies to Bill Shakesphere)
The world is filled with questionable decisions often made by people whom are typically just in to big a hurry to give their actions even a half hazard 2nd thought before it’s too late. Not so sure this is the case with #KathyGriffin After all when one waits 18 long months to pick a fight over a battle you already lost, the general consensus is “hey look at the sore loser still steaming” But wait there’s more!!! Old Don unequivocally DENIED their friendship altogether! That tweet alone was worth the price of admission! Kathy never one to catch a clue no matter how big a catchers mitt they give her manages insult Dons #Liberalcred by alleging him to be an outright phony? The phrase “unmitigated gall” comes to mind. I think perhaps its time Kathy stopped trying so hard to be the bull in the china shop and maybe just sit this one out.
Speaking of having a seat; How does a guy with a net worth of somewhere around 2.5 million (wikiworth 2016) end up so broke he cant write a couple of checks totaling 13K? Yes i’m referring to Chris “Why dont you have a seat over there” Hansen!!! I mean if you’re gonna go ahead and order enough t-shirts, decals & mugs to hide enough cocaine in to make even #elchapo smile; wouldn’t it behoove you to be be sure you could at least pay for them? Has #ChrisHansen not heard of #vistaprint for the love of GOD? 13K for tshirts/mugs AND decals??? Either Chris has more friends than Tom from MySpace ever dreamed of having OR those are some pretty damn big t-shirts that have God know what printed on em? Bible verses one thru eighty-three? Every predator that ever got away from him? I don’t know what kind of time behind bars one gets in the Great State of Connecticut for bouncing checks, but here’s hoping he doesn’t try to bounce his way outta the courthouse like one of his many previous costars.
It has come to my attention that an “egg” is the most liked photo on Instagram. I repeat an EGG! Just when I thought a nation under siege via twitter storms and reality TV denouements to say nothing of the faux outrage over the latest non-binary battles; I find myself faced with an EGG! One has to wonder was the former number one photo crown bearer a vegetarian? Is this a sinister plot from the USDA? Could The EGG in all its “raw” beauty actually be what 35 million plus people worldwide have given their undivided attention to if only long enough to double tap? I know, I know the skeptic in you can’t stop scoffing at the mere fact thirty-five million is nothing when one considers that it could be that damn near the whole state of CA (yeah yeah stat freaks I know the CA pop is 39.5million) woke up one morning and decided it would be much easier to click like (heart?) rather than start another yet another getKylieouttaherechange.org petition OR maybe just maybe the “world” as we know it isn’t ready to be hit by that asteroid( https://www.express.co.uk/news/science/1070348/Nasa-asteroid-warning-asteroid-2019-ax2-earth-close-approach) and we can all breathe a lil easier because despite the naysaysers who would have you believe that somehow the only thing that matters is how long we have to stand in line JUST to catch a freaking flight, or that we are the laughing stock of the universe when POTUS or a whining celebrity manages to have a meltdown via social media that our tiny lil intertwined lives will be crushed neath the sadness and banal cries of ALL those who have yet to see the forest, nor the damn trees or what ever it was people were afraid of circa 1546 (apologies to John Heywood)